This Is War
by MadamAirlock
Summary: Tom and Harry start a prank war that Harry is determined to win. Star Trek Secret Santa 2018


Harry sighed as the door to his quarters slid open and he stepped inside, his shoulders slumping the moment it shut behind him. It had been a long shift, made worse by the lack of things that happened and the fact that Tom hadn't been there. He was looking forward to getting on the same shift as him, after a long night's sleep. He ran his fingers through his hair and reached for a padd he had left on the coffee table. Instead of feeling the smooth case, he grabbed sticky plastic.

"What the…" He held the padd closer, surprised to see it encased in some sort of a clear plastic. It took a minute more before the thoughts clicked in his head. "Tom! Harry to Tom Paris."

 _"_ _How'd you like your padd?"_ Harry could plainly hear the amusement in his voice. " _That's payback._ "

"Payback? For what?!"

" _For the glitter that fell on B'Elanna when she walked into my quarters._ "

"Oh."

" _Oh, yeah. She. Is. Pissed._ "

"Great." Harry rolled his eyes and tossed the padd back onto the table, deciding to deal with it later.

" _Maybe it's time to stop this war?"_ The note in Tom's voice told Harry everything he needed to know.

"Yeah, right," he laughed. "Just watch your back."

He heard Tom's laugh before he ended the link, his mind waking up as it started rushing with revenge ideas. A yawn quickly broke his thoughts and he decided to brainstorm his next prank while he got ready. If the Commander caught him almost falling asleep on shift again, he was going to have a whole other set of problems on his plate.

The next morning, Harry's mind was full of ideas as he made his way to the bridge. Every time Tom glanced at him, he barely managed to keep a straight face. Tom didn't bother, giving him cheeky grins or smirks with each look. Commander Chakotay gave them a few curious looks and Harry watched as he murmured with the Captain, but neither of them said anything.

By the time their shift was over, Harry's plan was formed, solidified, and he couldn't wait to put it to the test. His excitement grew when Commander Chakotay held Tom back with questions, allowing him to rush to Tom's quarters. The door whished open and he hurried to the replicator, ordering dozens of squares of paper and sticky tape.

He worriedly glanced at the doors as he started working, taping the paper to every available surface. "Computer, locate Tom Paris."

" _Tom Paris is in the Mess Hall_."

Nodding, he continued working, replicating more tape and papers as he needed. He checked Tom's position one last time as he taped over the replicator itself, smiling triumphantly.

"Computer, play Klingon Opera Number 3 when Tom walks in." The computer beeped its response and Harry's smile widened. He left his friend's quarters and waited around the corner, wanting to witness Tom's reaction.

It didn't take long for Tom to walk around the corner and into his quarters, stopping before he was even through the door. After a stunned moment of silence, he started laughing, arms thrown around himself as he shook his head.

"Oh, Harry." He smiled and glanced around the corridor. "You're in for a surprise…"

Groaning, Harry shook his head and straightened up from where he was hidden. He waited until Tom disappeared into his quarters before he headed for his own, worried anticipation coiling in his stomach. He didn't even have to see Tom's next prank before he started working on a way to one up him.

He considered stopping in the Mess Hall for lunch but decided to use some of his replicator rations instead. He was craving literally anything over whatever leola root concoction Neelix was working on. He entered his quarters carefully, scanning every inch for signs of something ready to jump out at him or make a mess. Seeing no sign of anything only increased his suspicion, but he also wouldn't put it past Tom to only hint at a prank and not actually pull anything. Yet.

He allowed himself to relax a little and walked over to his replicator. "Roast beef sandwich, hot, and a cola soda."

The smell immediately permeated the area as the food appeared and Harry smiled, considering it a great use of his rations. He settled on his couch with a padd, relaxing even more when still nothing disturbed him. He reached for his sandwich and took a large bite, immediately spitting it back onto the plate. Instead of the taste of roast beef, he was overwhelmed by a taste he couldn't even describe. Groaning and cursing Tom, he tried to wash the taste out with his cola but was greeted by a thick disgusting substance instead.

"Oh my god! Harry to Tom! Tom, what the hell was that?!" He reached for his napkin, spitting into it and frantically trying to wipe the taste off his tongue.

"Not sure. Some recipes of Neelix's. No good?"

"How the hell did you do that?"

"What, reprogram your replicator? Not hard after some research. Didn't know how quickly it would pay off though." Tom laughed loudly. "You should've tried something harder than taping papers everywhere. Although, it is going to take a while to clean this all out." Harry could hear Tom's scowl and it brought a brief smile to his face until he swallowed, and the horrible taste was brought to his attention again.

"This is war. And you owe me rations."

"Uh huh. Good luck."

Harry huffed, hating that he had to go to the Mess Hall and suffer through another of Neelix's meals; hopefully, it would be better than the taste he couldn't get rid of.

He spent the next day thoroughly thinking over every possible way to get revenge on Tom. He processed every aspect of every prank, even doing research. Tom gave him his space, knowing he deserved everything Harry was going to send his way. When the perfect prank finally materialized, Harry didn't bother processing every aspect. All he cared about was getting Tom back and winning their stupid war.

He had to time his prank perfectly with the shift change on the bridge. If Tom or anyone else on the senior staff saw him, it wasn't going to work. He set his alarm an hour earlier than normal for his shift, almost deciding to back out as he tiredly rolled over in his bed and groaned.

"This better be worth it…"

He pushed himself out of bed and got dressed, affixing his combadge as he came to a stop in front of his replicator, pausing to admiring the irony. He would use the rations Tom paid him back to take care of this. He replicated an old toy, an air horn, and some thick, sturdy tape. He had nowhere to hide the supplies, so he begged for the corridors to be empty as he left his quarters.

His wish was met, and he encountered almost no one as he hurried to the bridge. Alpha shift hadn't arrived yet, so he walked up to the ensign at the conn and quickly whispered to her.

"This is a really weird request and I'm sorry, but I need to tape something to your chair, and I need you to stand until you get relieved… Which should be any minute now," he rambled, withholding half a dozen more apologies.

"Uh… I guess?" She stood up and Harry knelt down to tape the air horn to the seat. He gently pressed on the seat to make sure it would make contact and stood up, dusting his hands off on his pants.

He recycled the rest of the tape and managed to walk out just as Captain Janeway exited the turbolift.

"Mr. Kim." She smiled warmly at him over her signature cup of coffee. "You're early."

He shrugged, suddenly starting to second guess his prank. Not only would he witness Tom's reaction, but the Captain and Commander would too. And there was no way he could stop it now.

Swallowing and steeling himself for the beginning of the shift, he followed her onto the bridge and took his station, worriedly eyeing the turbolift for Tom. Commander Chakotay arrived next, taking his seat beside the Captain. Tom finally walked on a moment later and time seemed to slow down as he approached his seat. Harry tightly gripped the edge of his console, unable to look away from his friend. Tom gave him a questioning look, but everything faded away the moment he sat down.

A loud alarm sound filled the bridge, causing Tom to jump from his seat. The Captain and Commander jumped from their seats too and Harry ducked behind his console while covering his ears.

"What the…"

"Tom?!" The Captain cut off the Commander's shout, but both of their gazes went to their helmsman. "What the hell was that?!"

"Uh…" Tom shifted where he stood and rubbed the back of his neck while looking toward Harry's station.

Janeway followed his gaze and raised an eyebrow while her arms crossed over her chest. "Mr. Kim?"

Harry reluctantly straightened up and looked at Janeway, nervously fiddling with his uniform. "Yes, ma'am?"

"Care to explain?"

Tom's confused face slowly started turning into a grin as he realized how Harry's prank had backfired on him. Harry remained silent, not sure how to explain the situation to his commanding officer.

"It was, uh..." He started, but quickly decided against that track and tried again. "It was a prank."

"A prank," she repeated.

"Yes…"

"A very successful one."

"What?" Harry stared at her, not comprehending her words for several moments. He glanced at Tom and watched his friend's expression fall into stunned surprise.

"Sometimes, we all need a little stress reliever. Just… try to keep it off the bridge next time?"

"Yes, Captain. Of course. I'm sorry," he mumbled quickly.

"No, don't apologize. It was a great prank. I don't think I've ever seen Mr. Paris speechless before." She smiled at Tom, her arms slowly uncrossing. "And I have a feeling you deserved it."

"I did," Tom replied, a somewhat cocky grin meeting her smile.

"I thought so." She smirked and returned to her seat, one leg crossing over the other. "I'd say Mr. Kim won that war hands down."

Harry laughed softly and leaned against his console. "I did."


End file.
